I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
