I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I CAN MOONWALK!
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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