I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
