hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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