And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
40s are totally the cure
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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