Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
i now understand why vodka
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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