I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
