She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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