woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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