If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
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I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
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Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
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