what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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