we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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