He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
