Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
