my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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