He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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