Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
