my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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