Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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