Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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