Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
