The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
