i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
