Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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