The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
