watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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