You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
