I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
