seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
