i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
