When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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