She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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