morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
