I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
