can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
