I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
