I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
