a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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