If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
one two three fourrrrnication!
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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