yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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