I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
