I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
