she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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