cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
