hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
