nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
