be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
