If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
