how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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