There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
