I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
