I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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