if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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