guys are not supposed to queef...right?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
